Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Formula for a Romantic Comedy

ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE DUMB AND MAKE YOU DUMBER


I don't watch many romantic comedies. I actually walked out of How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. They are predictable, sickly and an insult to femininity (of course, a gal's life just is not complete without a man to hold her hand through PMS and handbag shopping). 

I found myself thinking "who writes this stuff? Is it a conspiracy to scam women and under-the-thumb men out of their hard earned cash by releasing exactly the same film over and over again? Occasionally replacing Kate Hudson for Jennifer Aniston?". 
Probably not. But I'm going to continue to be scathing and present you with my formula for any successful romantic comedy. 



Act 1
Scene 1
A very brief and somewhat shallow character introduction. 

Girl: Beautiful but like, she totally doesn't know it. like! (Casting Couch: Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Garner... you get the picture) She's unlucky in love and discusses men (and absolutely nothing else) with her less attractive friend (Casting Couch: Judy Greer) who is cynical and hilarious. But wait, attractive protagonist has a quirk! A strange pet, addicted to her job, she wears glasses... 

I'm ridiculously good looking. BUT I HAVE A FERRET! 
TWIST!


Guy: Awesome body, perpetual tan, either unlucky in love OR commitment problems (Casting Couch: Hugh Grant, Matthew Mcconaughey, Ryan Reynolds). Discusses his love life (completely realistically, guys definitely discuss romantic issues with their friends, like, all the time. Probably over cosmos). His friends are (Casting Couch: any up and coming comedian) chauvinistic yet witty. 

The women go nuts for me. Even though I have stupid hair. 


Scene 2
They meet. Instant attraction. Neither of them can believe how lucky they are that two super hot individuals could have found each other in this big lonely city. What are the chances! 

Scene 3
Montage. They walk along a sunny street holding hands. He buys something for her from a street vendor (balloon, hot dog, flower), she holds/eats/smells said item whilst grinning like a drug addict. They probably feed each other which is, after all, what romance is all about. They lay around in bed together like they have no job to go to (plus waiting to get to know each other before hopping into bed with them and sharing bodily fluids is so old fashioned and uncool)
Attractive female protagonist will do something clumsy. OH MY GOD IT'S TOTALLY ENDEARING. He falls in love with her. 




I like you! 
But let's drag this out for as long as possible. 


Act 2
Scene 1
Attractive protagonist gushes to her friend, who is witty and cynical about the situation. 
It is revealed that the guy has a secret that will probably be a deal breaker if he continues with the secrecy. He decides that dishonesty is the best policy. Girls are stupid anyways and she probably wont find out. 

Scene 2
She finds out. "Don't call me, I never want to see you again boo hoo hoo". She runs away with the style of a rag doll minus the stuffing. 

Scene 3
Ice cream, wine, cynicism from friend, crying. "How will I live without him, I'm just less of a person without a man in my life. oh em gee." 
He calls her but she doesn't pick up. She makes sure she experiences maximum amounts of pain by listening to his voicemails. 

"There have been complaints about a woman in the room above crying loudly"

Act 3
Scene 1
Starting to get over each other montage. Doing normal stuff (BUT! without crying) with Coldplay music in the back ground. Maybe she goes on a date but is completely rude and zoned out throughout due to her preoccupation to Mr Sexy Liar-pants. 

Scene 2
The guy's friend makes the sexy liar realise that he CAN get her back, all he has to do is stalk her at full speed and give a tearful speech about how much he loves her and can't live without her. 

Scene 3
CHASE SCENE!!!
The girl is at a train station/airport/getting into a taxi/ferry crossing...? She buys her ticket, she walks slowly to the mode of transport, she looks around then sighs. OMG I don't think he's going to make it!
He makes it. Just in time. He gives a speech (I love you, I can't live without you), he cites her quirk and tells her that it makes him love her more (hooray, he doesn't only love her for her good looks). 
By this time there's a crowd. Girls love having strangers (especially public transport strangers) knowing intimate details about their love lives. 
They both cry. They kiss. The crowd cheers. 

She got off the plane! The whole world cries.


Montage of happy photos of them together. They live happily ever after! (For the next few months at least man!)

THE END 

Other variations
-Reverse the roles for the girl and the guy. 
-There are two potential suitors, one is good looking and a tool, the other is unconventionally good looking, caring, thoughtful and kind and most importantly, overlooked by the girl for the latter features. Attractive female protagonist eventually realises that love was right in front of her all along (again, women are stupid aren't they!)

Summary
I don't like rom-coms because they are patronising, simplistic and just plain boring. Another reason that romantic comedies annoy me is that they give girls women and teens this completely erroneous view of men and relationships. Being a husband/boyfriend/wife/partner isn't all romance and everyone being on their best behaviour. These films make women think that they should put their men on a pedestal and should they fall short of their sky high expectations, they should get rid - if he's not Prince Charming, he's an idiot. 
Girl 1: "oh my god, my boyfriend looked at Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts on TV again today"
Girl 2: "girrrrllll. If he has eyes for anyone else but you, you should kick him to the curb. He needs to show some respect". 

Well excuse me but aren't we all human? I just think that it's really unhealthy for girls to go around thinking that there are no expectations of them, but that their boyfriends should constantly be buying them flowers and complimenting their new dresses. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to keep that level of romance up long term?! 
By encouraging girls to keep looking for the perfect guy, they're just going to be disappointed. I'm not saying that any girl should 'settle', but that they should remember that no one is perfect - guys' minds work very differently to womens' so don't expect them to be like Hugh Grant from the movies because that character was written FOR women. Be understanding, not demanding. 

"I'm 16 and can't wait to give up my family, friends, whole world for a guy I saw one time but never spoke to. So what if I can't talk to him? All I have to offer are my looks (my pretty face) and no guy is interested in what I have to say anyways. lol"


Romantic comedies are just NOT examples of good film making. However, I did go and see Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy, a critically acclaimed arty film. I slept through nearly all of it. £8 well spent. 


15 comments:

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